One of the hardest things for me is trying not to compare myself to other people. I’m competitive and ‘losing’ makes me grumpy, no matter how deserving the ‘winner’. Despite this, I don’t think competitiveness is an inherently bad trait – in fact it can be a real strength. The challenge is being mindful of the trait, managing any anxieties it can trigger, and making sure you’re working in the right environment.
I want to start with why it’s not inherently bad, because competitive drive can be seen as an ugly, greedy quality. The reason I see it as a strength is because of how it drives progress. The innovations of the space race were born out of competition between nations. New capabilities in smart phones and fitness trackers are attributable to competition between companies. Competition between Universities for funding drives research innovation. Competition between employers drives innovation in working environments.
One of the most recent examples is the race for a vaccine. The innovation here has been driven by a humanitarian crisis, but the desire to be the first and do it best, to compete amongst the most brilliant minds to solve this problem across the world, has given us vaccines in different forms. This level of innovation increases the chance there will be something successful for everyone.
To be a person driven to be the best version of themselves is not a bad thing. Nor is being inspired to push yourself by the achievements of others.
There is a ‘but’ though. Competition is problematic and anxiety inducing when you aren’t clear what you’re competing at or who you’re competing against. This has to be managed because the counter to winning is losing. As StrengthsFinder reminded me: if competition is a signature theme, you disengage from even playing the game if you can’t win. The saying about ‘It’s the taking part that counts’ falls on deaf ears. And it’s not really great for any kind of relationship if you’re both competitive and can’t draw the line.
Ensuring I focus my competitive drive in a healthy and constructive way, one that doesn’t result in castigating myself for my own shortcomings, is something of a struggle.
I’m in the fortunate position that I got to attend a fantastic University and I work for globally recognised employer. Both of these organisations have routinely been labelled #1 on different ranking tables for good reason. I’m pretty proud to be associated with them. It also means that I am surrounded by brilliant, ambitious individuals who continually inspire me, and that is a another blessing.
These are also competitive organisations. As an example, my degree result included my subject ranking. This implied that not only did I have the result – the only bit I really needed for future employment – but that it was also possible to ‘win’ with your mark and there were prizes for the highest scores. That sort of ranking is a fine line. The intent is to rank the achievement or output, but it can feel a lot like ranking the person. That carries the risk of a really detrimental impact in how you process it. It’s impossible to ‘win’ by comparing yourself to another person – we’re all too unique – but you can fall into a trap of trying. Anytime I slip and start, I descend into a severe case of imposter syndrome.
So what’s my solution?
Well a mentor and I came up with some strategies. The key one was to ‘not give a sh*t’. A very similar ethos is advised in Mark Manson’s ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck‘. Neither of these are actually advocating not motivating yourself, but they do emphasise the need to compete against yourself and/or your own goals, not the achievements and expectations of others. You need to define values and achievements that are within your own control, and then you need to reflect that there’s a roll of the dice involved in how those contrast to the achievement of others at any given time. In essence: try not to care about the comparison if you’re satisfied in your own decisions.
Reflecting on it now, I think the key for me is about aligning your goals to achieving your ikigai. It’s a lot easier to say than do, but redefining ‘success’ and ‘winning’ into your own values can only be good from a mental health and well-being point of view. For a start, it means the goals you’re chasing are most closely aligned to your priorities in life. We’ve probably all seen the television plots where individuals go head-to-head and lose all sense of perspective in the pursuit of competition. There’s a line we all need to find, where we’re inspired and pushing ourselves for those great achievements and innovations, but where we can all celebrate our success collectively.
And that’s another strategy for me: I aim to celebrate each success before I go on and set another goal. Climbing a mountain can be pretty rewarding, but it’s also nice to pause and admire the view. It’s important to see how far you’ve come.
I believe when we get this right – we pick the right goals and measures to drive ourselves, in environments aligned to our values – we end up a lot happier. My last entry reflected on the positive feeling you can get from being busy in pursuit of your goals, so funnelling competition in such a way should be healthy.
So maybe give it a go: sense check if your goals are within your control and aligned to your environment; let your competitive nature drive you in pursuit of those goals; celebrate when you achieve them, and reflect on how far you’ve come; and try really hard not to give a sh*t about anyone else as long as you’re happy you’ve achieved what you were aiming for.
If the competitive streak resonates with you, let me know how you find the line with yours?
Writing from the Heart 
Oh boy yes, so much of what you said really resonates with me! One thing I’ve noticed is that I use my competitive instinct well when I understand that I’m choosing to do it, and when I choose the right competition. In school I was one of very few musicians and so it was easy to do well, I just had to turn up. University was completely the opposite and over those years I “lost” repeatedly and was forced to learn a lot of hard lessons about my relative competence (or lack of it). The combination of those two experiences gave me a bit of a chip on my shoulder, which I’ve only in the last few years learnt to overcome. Now when I notice I’m being competitive I try to think about other people in the following categories:
1. people who are so good that I’ll never be able to compete against them
2. people who are around the same level as me but who are having waaaaay more success because of contextual reasons that I cannot control (e.g. they are better connected or have more time)
3. people who are around the same level as me who are having a bit more success than me
4. people who are less good than I am
Category 1 people I can just enjoy and learn from because it would be absurd to try to compete against them. Category 4 are people I can help and often in doing so I will learn something; competing against them would also be absurd. Category 2 people I honestly just try my best to ignore — I’m not sure this is the most useful way of dealing with it but it’s the best I’ve yet come up with. Category 3 people are the most important because it gives me the right kind of competition: one that helps me to grow.
I think the other thing that I’ve realised is that I can’t compete all the time as it’s bad for my mental health. There are some aspects of my life I’ve decided to stop quantifying, e.g. the number of books I read in a year.
This was a great post Steph, thanks for writing! I’m very glad to have been pointed towards your blog!
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Wanted to say thanks for sharing this, Garreth. The category approach seems like a great way to approach things if you can be confident in those judgements, as does the caution about when you compete. It was really lovely to pick up this comment and hear from you just before Christmas so thank you for taking the time to comment – very good to know I’m not on my own!
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