I had the good fortune to attend the National Writers’ Conference 2023 by Writing West Midlands this past weekend. Maeve Clarke who authored the Opening Ceremony for the Commonwealth Games gave a keynote on Impostor Syndrome and, of many things that resonated with me in that speech, one thing inspired this entry. She pointed out: “Don’t devalue your achievements – it gives other people permission to devalue them too.” It left me reflecting on how guilty I am of that. I more often focus on my short-comings and not my wins, and I talk about those gaps to others a lot. It led me to think about the other end of that spectrum, and that’s about not owning my success the way I should. Maeve was clear that whilst there may be an element in luck contributing to success, it is actually hard work that makes you ready and puts you in the right space at the right time to take advantage of those ‘lucky’ opportunities.

In particular, it made me reflect on my time at university and how I discuss it. My descriptions reflect what I took from it – that I loved it and felt privileged to be there, picking up great friends, but that I never quite felt smart enough and like I fit in fully. I was hyper conscious that I was one of the minority from state schools. Just last week someone asked me where I went to university and I said I was at Oxford but quickly added, ‘But I was bottom of the class.’ In truth, that was how I processed my time there, but it was based on a metric of an inability to write excellent essays in exam conditions or at short notice. That’s a belief I still cling to, despite people I greatly respect telling me that I write well constructed and persuasive pieces now. Mentally, I am still the girl who wrote the worst essays amongst my course mates at my college.

So in drafting this entry, given I had the fortune of termly report cards from Oxford whilst I was there, I wanted to explore if the messages I took away – that I was incapable of stringing coherent sentences together, with no redeeming factors – were actually the only messages I should have been taking and owning. Excerpts (which cannot help but be subjectively selected) are included below and show the balance of positive commentary, constructive criticism and overtly recognised improvement (usually over 8 week time frames). The short answer is that my impression and what was actually said are somewhat at odds. Years of distance is rather a generous gift when it comes to perspective.

Reading the reports back, I do see the person who struggled with essay writing for far longer than my poor ‘next couple of terms’ first tutor expected. I also see that, by the end of it, the feedback shows that I was writing good essays. Ultimately, I got a 2:1 in history from the institution ranked #1 for that subject when I attended. That is a huge success that shouldn’t be diminished in how I share it.

Alongside that constructive commentary, there is repeated testimony about my original thinking, my analytical ability, a commitment to improvement and a need to be braver in trusting myself. That is a whole lot that I should be owning and acting upon, over and above my ability with essays. It’s a much more empowering story to tell, too: I went to Oxford and I deserved to be there because I had a great strength in my analytical ability and originality. I worked hard for three years to learn what I could from world class professors, and they helped me improve the quality of my writing to match my thoughts. More than earning a degree, my time taught me how to write ‘forceful and stimulating’ prose. Now I use that ability to talk about critical issues in our society in a way that hopefully makes you, the reader, reflect on your own actions, too.

I suspect it’s the historian in me that has particularly enjoyed poring over this source material today. We’ll ignore the extent to which this whole activity has been procrastinating working on my novel (‘procrastination’ was Maeve’s other topic, so I feel she’d appreciate it). I still think my review has been worthwhile as a really empowering activity. Before doing it, I was quibbling with whether I could go back to my tutor for an academic reference request for a new endeavour. In my mind, I was such a poor student for him. This has shown me that I wasn’t, and there would be a huge amount I could bring to any course that I want to embark upon.

As I finish this reflection, I’m not sure if I will post it. The very fact I’ve authored it in my website drafts folder is a testimony to the fact I want to share it for two key reasons:

  1. If you’re someone who reads and enjoys my words now, know the journey I went through (and continue to go through) to get to this. Know that you, too, could do that with any skill you want to hone.
  2. It walks the walk of the goal of the article – own your successes without shame.

The counter is that I still worry that this will come across like bragging, or naively lost in my own privileged bubble, instead of owning success. Ultimately I can’t control that perception.

Here’s to feeling the fear and hitting post anyway!

Excerpts from termly tutor report cards – Oxford has Michaelmas, Hilary and Trinity terms. Each row is a separate report from a different individual.

TermPositiveConstructiveImprovement
M’04“thoughtful and conscientious … final essay of the term most ambitious and the most successful”“still some problems with her prose style, but these should be ironed out without pain in the next couple of terms”“has improved markedly since October”
M’04“laboured diligently … sophisticated approach … ability to make intelligent connections between divergent phenomena …leads me to have much respect for her historical judgement”“much scope for improvement … prose is sometimes convoluted and often indirect to the extent it hides the merit of her work … contributions in the tutorial often much more perceptive than the essays”“Improvements have already been made”
H’05“worked very hard this term … contributions honest, welcome and frequently insightful”“prose lacks sophistication … Elaborate, even labyrinthine sentence constructions suggest a need to readdress the fundamentals of grammar … [needs to overcome] desire to create neat [binary] arguments”“had an extra tutorial session devoted to these problems”
H’05“effective blend of argument and data”“her use of English, which can be a bit tortured…”“…is definitely improving”
T’05“consistently sound set of essays … increasingly thoughtful manner … contributed very well in tutorial”“have the courage to rely on her own independent responses to the questions”“gradual improvement over the term … worked steadily”
M’05“intense enthusiasm … very good work … grasp of detail … higher level than would be expected … ideas invariably excellent … she is a talented historian.”“ensure exceptional knowledge shaped effectively on paper … need to recognise [excellent ideas] and have confidence in them … sophisticated arguments can be made without sacrificing clarity”“has worked hard on essay writing … with some success”
T’06“extremely able… excellent historical insight and an intelligent, analytical approach … at their best, her essays can be forcefully argued and stimulating.”“let down by prose style, which can be convoluted and unclear … also needs to improve her note-taking – prevents her from reading as much as she might”“some essays more effective than others… we have discussed these problems, and she is determined to deal with them.”
M’06“knowledge… remarkable for an undergraduate … original and sophisticated thinker and makes very useful and lively comments”“not quite fulfilling potential … benefit from more thorough approach …. read some thematic and wide ranging secondary material”“commentaries have improved”
M’06“impressed by what she has achieved so far”N/a“believe [her] capable of producing [an] excellent piece of work”
H’07“written some good essays … the ability to think of apposite examples and develop arguments in response to these challenging questions”“needs to prepare a series of essay plans … should do well”N/a