One of my ongoing challenges is stress and anxiety. I’m not unique in that, not even close to unique. A video I watched recently captured my pre-Christmas epiphany though. A comic was doing a set about millennials and anxiety, and how they only do half the job. The joke was essentially: they self-diagnose, tell everyone the diagnosis, and, when asked what they’ve done about it, expect everyone else to work around them now they’re in the know. It’s brutal and untrue, but there’s something familiar in there.

The ‘oh yes’ moment was that telling people your diagnosis doesn’t give you a pass for the impact you have on the days that coping mechanisms don’t work. We all know there will be bad days, and if we slip up, people will understand, but we’re all still individually on the hook for finding the mechanisms that work best for ourselves and those around us. If we’re in leadership roles, that becomes more and more important because we expect leaders to be calm, sure and stable.

I’d go as far as to say that when one mechanism doesn’t work, or stops working, it’s reckless not to look for other mechanisms as soon as you realise. Relying on something that doesn’t work, you’re still risking one of those overreactions that anxiety or stress can trigger. It’s like driving the car when the ‘check engine’ light has come on and just crossing your fingers that you aren’t going to have an accident. Using ‘I’m sorry’ after the fact doesn’t undo the impact it has in the moment, and you have no idea what burden the recipient of your overreaction is already carrying. The point is to try to avoid the need to say ‘sorry’ by taking good care of yourself as a resilient person in the first place.

I also want to recognise, it’s not always possible to be resilient. That’s why the apologies need saving up, so they retain their meaning when they do have to be deployed.

The problem is that it’s easier said than done to be resilient, and when you’re wading through poor mental health, it’s harder to think of others. The best coping mechanisms require real investment to work: most often time, but also the sort of belief that requires a growth mindset. You have to be open and keep trying, and then learn what works.

I have spent a good number of years knowing I am prone to anxiety – since before I left university. I joke that my writer’s imagination means I make catastrophising an art form. I have spent time as a teenager and an adult with different therapists discussing techniques to address it. The almost universal response has always included meditation, but I found meditation incredibly hard so I hated the idea. I was convinced I couldn’t meditate.

Up until last year, I invested in my resilience by pursuing alternatives to meditation. I did running, healthy eating, extra sleep, holidays, many audiobooks, time with friends, and my writing. I did well for periods, and saw therapists when needed. But last year I could see I was struggling again, and the person I was leaning on distanced themselves. Eventually they turned around and said, “I just needed to stop speaking to you because you’re bringing me down, too.”

I took away a few things:

  1. I was not okay with having that impact on someone else – I don’t want to pull people into the hole with me, I want to help lift them out.
  2. I was glad that person was looking out for their own mental health.
  3. Whilst I might find several someone-elses to speak to, I needed to mix up my strategies to not have that impact.

When I spoke to my coach, we came back to the fact that the fundamental skill I needed was meditation. I needed to stop telling myself it was too hard, embrace a growth mindset, and do it. No amount of running, or healthy eating, or sleeping, or holidays, or time with friends, or even writing, was going to help me. I needed to learn to catch my feelings in-the-moment and put them away from myself and those around me. More than that, I needed to become resilient enough for when everyone around me isn’t, and recognise when and what support I need in trying to do that.

So I finally committed to meditating daily. It has made a huge difference in only a couple of months.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am still on a journey. I will have those off days and stumbles – I have already had some – but I feel much more in control having made the commitment and recognising I’m improving over time. It is worth the hard work to be empowered to manage the impact of my anxiety on those around me – I can see when the ‘check engine’ light is flicking on.

Wish me luck in keeping it going, and hopefully some of this might resonate with you. Also good luck if you’ve been trying something new of your own!