Bi-Visibility Day isn’t something I was very aware of, like many awareness and visibility days, until recent years. My awareness effectively materialised in a package with my focus on raising the profile of ‘out’ women at work with a colleague.

A long story short and 2018 ended up pretty serendipitous for me because, whilst feeling pretty activist, I was offered an opportunity to do a speech to newly admitted partners at work within a handful of days of Bi-Visibility Day. I chose to use it to come out big time and discuss the importance of inclusion at work.

By contrast, in 2019, I wasn’t feeling great from a well-being perspective. Marking Bi-Visibility Day was quieter for me personally, but joyfully louder for colleagues around me – times were changing!

I’ll just pause on the point above for a moment. I’m going to circle back to it in a future blog, but I come back to a quote in Paul Gilbert’s ‘The Compassionate Mind’ when I think about my efforts in the diversity and inclusion space – “Take what you need in order to give what you can.” It’s a concept about mental well-being. You need to be aware of what your personal needs are, from basic physical needs to lifestyle needs, but also what you’re able to give back. I think it tied into letting go of the sense of entitlement people can carry – distinguish what you ‘need’ from ‘deserve’. And of course giving is just really good for the soul. For me, in 2018 I was in a well-being space to be able to give a lot. In 2019 I wasn’t and I’m not beating myself up for that – I took some time and gave what I could.

Now it’s 2020, arguably one of the most unprecedented years many of us have ever lived through. State interventions in response to COVID-19 are through the roof and diversity and inclusion is high on many agendas as a result of Black Lives Matters. This is not a time to be meek or quiet about the community for those who can give something.

So Bi-Visibility Day matters to me for a range of reasons, and I want to talk about two in particular:

  1. Dispelling myths.
  2. Bi-erasure and dual-discrimination.

First, on dispelling myths: the ones that continue to frustrate me are the belief bisexuals must need to be in a relationship with both genders at the same time. Bisexuality is a description of attraction to people identifying as either male or female (or any other gender identity by my definition), not a comment on attitude to monogamy. Being straight or gay doesn’t result in an expectation that you’d date multiple partners so being bi shouldn’t either.

Another myth I find frustrating is the perception somebody who is bisexual must be equally attracted to both genders all the time for it to be valid. Again, if someone has said that they’re bisexual, they’ve shared part of their identity and stated the broadness of their range of attraction. They haven’t given other people license to keep a score card on whether they’re dating an appropriately split demographic. Your sexuality should never be something you have to ‘prove’ – it’s your own business. If you choose to share it as a way to create a sense of shared community and counter isolation, it should be accepted for that. This isn’t to say people can’t be open to discussing spectrum and experiences, but there’s a line between question and discussion versus judgement and assumption.

Second, on bi-erasure and dual-discrimination.

A wonderful friend of mine once shared a furniture analogy for sexuality with me. I’m afraid I don’t know the original source to credit, but it went like this: Being straight is like a sofa. People know what it is and are happy to have it out in the open in the living room. Being gay is like a bed. People also know what this is and broadly accept it, but they’d rather it was in the bedroom out of sight. Bisexuality is like a futon. Sometimes it looks like a sofa, and reactions accord, and sometimes it looks like a bed, and again reactions accord. What people forget is that whilst it may look like a sofa or a bed, it is always actually a futon. And then a-sexuality is like a coffee table – everyone’s fine with it being in the open but you can guarantee some idiot will try and sit on it anyway.

There’s obviously a lot to unpack in that analogy, but for today’s purpose we’re talking about bisexuality being a futon. For bisexuals in opposite sex relationships, they end up deemed heterosexual. For bisexuals in same sex relationships, they get deemed homosexual. The ‘problem’ is that this is bi-erasure and they’re still a futon – still bisexual. It means they can end up not quite fitting in with either straight or gay communities as part of their identity goes unacknowledged. A bit too gay for straight people but too straight for gay people as well. It can even end up with bi-phobic reactions from both communities in connection to the myths above.

Acknowledging this difference and the potential isolation it causes is what makes marking Bi-Visibility Day so important in 2020, when people are all finding it more difficult to connect and feeling more isolated. So this is just a little way of saying hi, we do exist, our identities do matter, we are not alone, we have come a long way and we’ve still got each other as we keep going.

And if you’re reading this and curious about sexualities and gender identities, I can heartily recommend a book called ‘The ABC’s of LGBT+’ by Ashley Mardell, and continue to welcome any recommendations in return.